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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.