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I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning.
Care less and you’ll stress less.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop