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Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
Chili for breakfast. Cause I hate my Co-workers.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Take my advice, Iām not going to use it.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry