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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
Boys will be boys... unless they get a sex change.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.