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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
A court date is still technically a date, right?
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
I wish I was Robinson Cruso. Coz, I can have `Friday` everyday :) TGIF guys..cheers ;)
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.