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Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?