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That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.