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There are no bad pictures. That`s just how your face looks sometimes.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?