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I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
life is too short to match socks
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
For the past 3 years I have been planning to write an article on Procrastination!!!