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When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
Mondays should start at noon.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.