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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.