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Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
I make a great second impression.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.