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when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
My mom says I`m special.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?