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MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.