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Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.