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Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now