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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window