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Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
I went for window shopping , and guest what , I bought four windows....
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.