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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace