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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.