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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
What ? Who ? Exactly my point. Now move along and go read something else. Nosey !!
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.