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I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
Like a good neighbor,I don`t really care.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.