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HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
Some of my best memories are naps.
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!