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The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit ... And all I did was sign up.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
My brain has too many tabs open.
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.