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If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.