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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
I want to sleep tighter
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business