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What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage