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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
Insert coin to view my status message.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.