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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"