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Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?