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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!