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Partying on my level requires years of training.
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.