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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.