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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.