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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..