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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
FYI, Target does not give prizes, no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them