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The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
Iām just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do