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Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...