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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?