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common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are suppose to be doing something else.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."