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Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
We`re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap...
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
Anything is legal when there`s no police around