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Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
You`re about as deep as a kiddies splash-pool..
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........