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The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
The future was so much cooler in the past.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake