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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor