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If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
It`s about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.