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Has anyone ever seen a gorilla in the mist? Some of the local drivers struggle to see my car in perfect daylight conditions, so I doubt that they`d spot a Gorilla in limited visibility!!!!!
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.