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"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.