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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.