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Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.