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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?