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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.