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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.