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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.