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I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.