Daily Silly Status

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I just made you think of an elephant

I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.

Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.

Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.

Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.

If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently

After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.

Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"

Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship

At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.

I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.

If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet