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Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Grabbing a drink after work is perfectly fine.However, you look like an alcoholic when your getting that drink at 6am.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
Bad decisions make good stories.