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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...