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To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing... :(
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
Multitasking? Iām not even good at unitasking.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
Tieam... problem solved
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?