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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(