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I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.