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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.