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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!