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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver