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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.