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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
bras are booby-traps
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.