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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."