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Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
My life is loosely based on a true story.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
So... Where does one obtain minions?
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.