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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.