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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on.
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven`t the slightest idea as to where my life is headed"