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"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?