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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.