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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
Just because you think it`s a bad idea doesn`t mean we won`t have a good time.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
I want to start a womans magazine called "Period". ..then every few months I`ll send it out late JUST to freak them out. ;)
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.