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People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b