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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
One trenta cheeseburger please.
Quiet people have the loudest minds.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.