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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.