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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
Dyslexics are teople poo.. :|
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.