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Ever had sex while camping!? It`s intents!
Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That`s why I think of jogging every morning.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?