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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
If a man says something in the woods.. And there are no women there.. Is he still wrong? O_o
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!