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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.