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Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.