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Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.