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The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.