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I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
drink beer ?? save water
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.